- Electric bills, I hate you. 32%… that’s how much higher my electric bill is each month during the Summer. Can you imagine the fun you could have with 32% of whatever you electric bill is? Why do you do this summer!? WHY!!??
- Sun, I hate you. If it’s hot as balls outside (and it is) you can bet your first-born it will be even hotter in your car. But you don’t want to turn your air on immediately because you have to ventilate the bitch first. FML.
- Sun, I hate you even more. If it hasn’t already slid off your face while waiting for the AC to kick in, your makeup will completely dissipate at some point before you actually reach your destination. And don’t even think about using a BB cream or a primer… nothing, and I mean NOTHING will save you.
- Tourists, I hate you. Not only do you drive 45 miles per hour in a 70 zone (everyone knows that 70 means 80 so you are basically driving HALF the effing speed limit), but you do it in the left lane! Move the hell over! The left lane is for passing and speeding ONLY, everyone knows that.
- Old people, I hate you. In all fairness, Florida kinda is the retirement capital of the US… so if it’s not a tourist taking their sweet ass time driving as if they’re leaving church on a quite Sunday afternoon, there will be at least one old ass mother fucker huddled up to the steering wheel doing the exact same thing. P.S. I don’t really hate old people. I just have places to be.
- Rain, I hate you. If it’s not a tourist or an old ass mother fucker taking their sweet time, it will be someone in their 30s driving a Mustang 40 miles an hour in the rain because NO ONE IN FLORIDA KNOWS HOW TO EFFING DRIVE IN RAIN, NOONE! And, it rains almost every day during the summer. Like, every mothereffing day. Maybe for 15 minutes, maybe for 7 hours… who knows! You don’t. The weather man doesn’t. Enjoy that sunny vacation, ya hear 😉
- College students, I hate you. One final complaint about drivers then we’re done: drunk dumbass college students on vacation from college. They’re loud, they’re obnoxious, and they drink and drive. Not all of them, but enough to make this list.
As always, this post is intended for the purpose of entertainment and was written entirely with my tongue firmly pressed into my cheek. If you have any complaints, you can take them up with the complaint department (hint: I don’t have one).
But now that I’ve talked you out of visiting Florida, what are your summer plans!?